| Pony on 16. Jan 2009 in Sam. |
| I don’t really know when it started. Sometime after I read a short story about a girl inadvertently collecting toy ponies because she kept raising the idea to boyfriends and they kept buying them for her. “Guess what I got you…” “A pony?” Or “What would make this better?” “A pony?” It seemed like a pretty good line and I seem to have some sort of mild verbal OCD that requires me to pick up phrases, accents and other annoying things that people then tease me about every time I speak. It’s only natural that my verbal tic would come out with my roommate since she has a pension for making fun of my other verbal oddnesses. “Sam, I’m going to the store; what do you want?” “Some milk, fruit, oh, and a pony.” Before long I asked for a pony nearly every time we talked. Judging by my sent texts, Gmail chats and e-mails, I asked for a pony a lot. Funny thing is, I never really got around to requesting a pony when my co-workers asked me what I wanted for lunch or when my mom asked what I wanted for Christmas. No, I saved my outrageous request for Olivia. Like the pony tic, I didn’t really want Olivia as a roommate when we first started out. Not that I didn’t want to live with her. She was fine, clean, nice and had been a good friend. But one of my closest friends in Houston was moving away and I was moving into her room and becoming Olivia’s roommate. Secretly, I wanted to move in with Laura. But before long, her influence in my life was as constant as my requests for a pony. We shared meals together, worked out together, fought like two teenage sisters on a long car ride. Thanks to a really adorable puppy, we started nightly rituals of playing with the dog and talking in my room. Long after the dog graduated to sleeping in a crate downstairs, the nightly talks continued. My bed time continued to be ignored because of the chatter, jokes and analysis of our 20-something lives thus far. Before long, I couldn’t stop myself from asking her for a pony. I think partly, because I know that if anyone would go out of her way to get me something as ludicrous as a pony, it’d be Olivia. That’s how she became more than a roommate, but a friend I’m finding it rather hard to live without. By listening to my ridiculous requests and issues and – most of the time – coming through for me. So now Laura is back and Olivia is off to save lives in Africa. It’s a hard thing when you get what you wished for and then realize you want something entirely different than you originally thought. Maybe in life we ask for silly things like ponies or a million dollars because sometimes facing the facts that friends move on and follow their own dreams is hard to swallow. I’ve been struggling since my return from Christmas vacation to find my balance again. I like order and I like to know the future. I find change that I create exhilarating and change that happens around me utterly unnerving. I’m afraid I’ve done a bad job celebrating Olivia’s grand adventure because I’m heartsick to lose such a great roommate and wonderful friend. Sitting alone in my classroom today — dealing with a totally separate issue — I burst out crying. Frustrated and tired and annoyed with myself for not being able to just get on with life without the drama, I sat at my desk and gulped air down wondering what would make it all better. Then I realized. A pony. I wish for a pony because I’m wishing for the outlandish, the impossible. I’m wishing for my friends to stay the way they are in the exact spot I’ve carved out for them in my life and still be able to chase all their wild dreams at the exact same time. It’s much easier to ask for something I’m sure I will never get than to face a fifty-fifty shot that your friendship will survive, your relationship will prosper or you’ll get the job you’ve always dreamed of. Those are almost too real, too risky, but I can’t be disappointed by asking for a pony. I’m still asking for a pony because I could never ask Olivia (or Laura or Becka for that matter) to stop for a second chasing what they love. My request is a band-aid for the days like today when I just wish they were across the hallway from me instead of around the world. I dried my tears and went on with my day. I get one more weekend to celebrate my friend. I’m not going spend any more of it crying. I’m going to stay up late talking and giving Liv a hard time about always looking at the negative side of life first. Then there will be chips and salsa. There are always chips and salsa. Hopefully, there will be movies and joking fights about judgment and tone of voice. I’m positive there will be laughter and sage advice. And then I’m going to hug my friend and tell her to go out and do the amazing things I know she’s capable of. I’m going to make her promise to put herself first once in a while and give herself more credit for her bravery, heart and beauty. I’m going to remind her that I may be the one with the busy social calendar, but my life feels much more empty without her in it. And then I’m going to ask for a pony.
|
9 Responses to “Pony”Leave a Reply |
| Copyright 2009. This Ordinary Day. All rights reserved. Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. |
January 16th, 2009 at 8:37 am
*hug* I want a pony too.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:42 am
please, please, teach Foster to stop licking. For the love of your roommates.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:57 am
I’ll be looking hard for a pony while I’m in Africa. You never know…
January 16th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Damn it, Sam! For the first time since Laura sent me the “Default” post, I remembered to read your blog, and it made me cry! That keeps my TOD to tears ratio at 100%. Not that I know you guys that well, but I think it’s cool that Laura had to leave in order for you and Olivia to grow so close. Maybe we’re not allowed to have THE pony until heaven, but we’re given miniatures and tokens and hints along the way - a few awesome friends to surround us if not all of them at once - so that we never lose hope that our pony exists. [PS - I have a sign Laura made me of Psalm 130:5 on my wall. It's a good one.] Thanks!
January 16th, 2009 at 1:15 pm
I think this is my favorite of your pieces I’ve seen thus far.
For awkward/hilarious Pony conversations, check out the band Far and their cover of Ginuwine’s “Pony.”
January 17th, 2009 at 10:52 am
i enjoyed reading this piece, sam. you made me cry.
what a precious time of life this is for you and your friends! i remember many a night with “my girls” talking about everything under the sun. laughing, crying, hoping, enjoying life together, even hating life together sometimes. and now twelve years later (and miles apart) “my girls” are still the ones i can call on for anything. i am myself with them because why not, there is no facade to maintain.
i’m sure your friends are just as appreciative of you as you are of them. thanks for sharing your thoughts.
we enjoyed seeing you at the cabin. melanie frequently talks about you, and katelyn remembers “dam” fondly!
have a fun weekend.
January 20th, 2009 at 9:49 am
So now I know I don’t need to ask what you want for Christmas again!
Again I loved your story and am so glad I got to meet Laura your new roommate and say goodbye to Olivia when you came though KC. And Olivia please don’t find any ponies in Africa. I want Sam to come home next summer. Love you Mom
April 17th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Hello… I’m a friend of Liv’s on the Africa Mercy and she sent me this link! We’ve seen lots of things at the markets here in Benin, but I’ve never seen ponies. But… I didn’t look for a pony either. I would think an African pony would be way cooler than just a regular American pony, so I will keep my eyes peeled. Looking forward to meeting you in June!
April 17th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
And by they way, Liv says she’s found a few birds that could substitute for a pony. And…. also…. she’s my friend now. YOu’ll have to start looking for your own when you get here.