Panphobia is not the fear of cookware. It is the fear of everything.

I have recently had reason to discover this term because Morgan, our black Labrador, is panphobic. These are some of Morgan’s greatest fears: thunder, vacuum cleaners, small dogs, babies, leaves that blow in the wind, stuffed monkeys, brooms, bicycles, green beans, plastic bags and water hoses. Over the last three years, this list has continued to grow. I try to come up with stories that might explain some of her most irrational fears. For example, maybe when she was first born, a baby attacked her with a broom and a water hose while a stuffed monkey blew leaves in her face and forced her to eat green beans. The only problem with this story is that it still doesn’t explain her fear of bicycles.

Last weekend, we took her out on my parents’ boat. She is supposed to be a water dog, so I assumed that she would naturally take to boats. Of course, she is also the only lab I have ever seen who will not jump into the water, but must wade in cautiously. As soon as the boat started moving, she braced herself. Once the wind started blowing her ears back, she couldn’t handle any more. She ducked down behind the seat with a clear look of displeasure on her face. She looked over at me as if to say, I’m sorry for whatever I did that made you want to put me through this torture. I shouldn’t have been surprised by her reaction, but I thought she might actually like being in the boat as much as she likes sticking her head out the car window.

We pulled up to a beach, and before we could even stop the boat, she had leapt onto the shore. Once we were off the boat, she was back to her normal energetic self. She retrieved sticks from the river. She ran up and down the shore. She ate random things she found on the beach that I would rather not describe. As we swam, a large bull came down to drink. I forgot to mention that for all of Morgan’s ridiculous fears, she is also sometimes recklessly bold when a fearful retreat would probably be her best option. As she saw the bull, she did not cower in fear, but she ran towards it. She started running circles around it, barking like she does when she wants to play. The bull looked annoyed. She kept harassing it. Lauran and I feared that it might charge her or kick her, so we kept calling for her until she finally came back, completely oblivious to the fact that an angry bull is much more dangerous than a crawling baby. The bull left shortly afterward, and Morgan went back to her less dangerous beach activities.

Later as we got back into the boat, I had to hold Morgan to make sure she didn’t jump off before we got away from the shore. The entire ride back, she buried her head behind me. I laughed thinking about her irrational fear and her insane courage. Then some friends of ours pulled up on jet skis and tried to splash us. My dad started driving the boat much faster to get away. He kept turning around to see where the jet skiers were. I started to brace myself. The smile faded from my face. I was ready to get out of the boat too.

For three years I have tried to figure out Morgan’s panphobia without stopping to consider that it might be a learned behavior. Maybe her instinct is to charge fearlessly at bulls, but she has instead mimicked my overly cautious nature. Maybe when she barks at random strangers, she senses that I too am a little nervous around new people. Maybe when she runs away from small dogs, she can tell that I don’t trust them either.

I am too embarrassed to list the ridiculous things that strike terror into me. Maybe I need to start charging bulls instead.

One Response to “Panphobia”

1. Katie Says:
   June 4th, 2009 at 6:37 am

   My Golden Retriever Plato is desperately afraid of vacuums, mops, brooms, and bags. Perhaps he is channeling my fear of cleaning and shopping for groceries! Great post.

Leave a Reply