This baby is a kicker. You know that picture where you can see the outlines of a foot through the mum’s belly? I used to think it was Photoshopped, but with this child, I think it’s totally possible.

Sometimes the kicks are so hard they wake me up at night, as if she already knew that as a second child she’ll need to be more insistent with her calls for attention.

Every day, her kicks remind me of the time left until she’s here and of the things that still need to be done. They make me reflect on what kind of mother I want and will be able to be (not the same thing at all) for my soon-to-be two children.

You see, it’s harder with the second child. In my first pregnancy, I was blessedly certain that I would do things differently than my parents, that I would not have the relationship issues all the other young parents have, etc etc. Then my son was born, and I soon realised that it’s not that simple. You cannot unlearn the rules that you’ve internalised your whole life just like that, especially not when you’re exhausted, sleep-deprived and full of self-doubts to boot. So with the first child, I realised that yes, I want to do things differently, I want to find my own way and be as authentic a mother as possible, but more often than not, resorting to tested rules felt much more comfortable than taking that unwalked path. Making up your own rules on the way can be a daunting task when you are responsible for a new life.

So I struggled. I still am struggling. However, what I’ve realised through time, practice and many exchanges with friends, one of them a recent enlightening chat with my friend Jen Lee, is that if I want to live authentically, I need to do it 24/7. It’s a decision for life; I cannot be an authentic mother without becoming an authentic worker, wife and person in general. It’s simply impossible. Which means the decision for authenticity becomes even more daunting, because it will affect all of my life. That’s where the doubts come in: Who will I become if I commit to this? Will my friends and family still like me? Or will I become unbearable? Will I even be able to make “good” decisions?

But two years into motherhood, I know deep down that I can only be a “good” mother to my very own standards if and when I am myself, if and when I work at accepting who I am in both my imperfection and uniqueness, if and when I am trusting in the things I know, deep down, and the abilities I have. There really is not much choice.

My little baby girl is literally kicking in the direction of a life lived by the credo of unapologetic authenticity.

Until she’s here, I’ll be watching my belly, waiting for that foot to show, and gathering my strength to be me. For her.

2 Responses to “Unapologetic authenticity”

1. My thoughts on motherhood and authenticity… « The Mindwheels Says:
   July 27th, 2009 at 2:45 am

   [...] My thoughts on motherhood and authenticity… July 27, 2009 … can be read here. [...]

2. Katie Says:
   July 29th, 2009 at 10:28 pm

   I really enjoyed this. Thank you.

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