Here I sit in the Milwaukee airport, waiting for my flight back home to Kansas City. I’m exhausted, a little overwhelmed and still an MFA student. It’s the last label that surprises me a little.

Last Thursday I was ready to quit. I was ready to drop out of my graduate program. I had convinced myself I never wanted to write anything again. I didn’t want to be in Boston or New York or any of the places I have always dreamed of living and working in. I wanted to go home, forget about writing and pretend that the whole graduate school thing had never happened.

I don’t exactly remember how it started. I was in the midst of beginning my second semester in the Solstice MFA Program in Creative Writing at Pine Manor College (I know, it’s a mouthful). It’s a low-residency program, meaning I only spend the first 10 days of each semester on campus in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts. The rest of the semester I work with my mentor via e-mail and the occasional phone call.

My trip to Boston had started out very well. I arrived two days before I was scheduled to be on campus with my Dad, ready to walk the Freedom Trail and catch a game at Fenway. I loved seeing so many historical places tucked in to a busy city and the game at Fenway was amazing.

I arrived on campus excited to be back. I found my friends and fellow classmates, Hannah and Kimberly right away. I instantly remembered how nice it was to be in a place where I felt like I truly belonged.

Then we got to meet one of my favorite authors, Grace Lin. Grace recently joined the faculty and is one of the main reasons I chose Pine Manor College. She was even better than I imagined. She even took the time to sit down with me for an hour talking about writing and our families. We bonded over being middle children and our love of cupcakes.

Everything was going so well. I was a writing maniac, growing more and more confident in my work. And then, out of nowhere, it hit me: the doubt.

It was a series of events that triggered it and although I don’t feel comfortable sharing them here I’ll just say that it really made me question my writing. I suddenly felt like I wasn’t a good writer. I wondered if I should just quit. I couldn’t find a reason to stay in the program. I hated it all.

And then like that, the sun came out. Hannah, Kimberly and I escaped from campus and went out to dinner. We talked about how we were feeling. We shared our doubts in our own writing. We questioned the program we were in. Then, we realized that we were exhausted and overwhelmed. It wasn’t really that anything was wrong with the program or our writing. We were just beginning to realize how personal writing really is. For one thing, you are creating art that is going to be misunderstood sometimes. You aren’t always going to get your way. Not everyone is going to love everything you create, but you can’t let others crush your dream. The thing is, I love to write. I want to write. I need to write.

I realize this was just the first of many times I will doubt myself. I know there will always be times when I will doubt my reasoning for being a writer.

Sometimes, I am going to feel trapped. But it’s comforting to know, I have people in my life who will always help me escape.

2 Responses to “Doubt”

1. Michelle Says:
   July 30th, 2009 at 8:55 pm

   Kathleen,

   Thank you for writing this post. All I could think about was my college experience with writing (especially since I went to BC, very close to Pine Manor). It was a very long time ago (graduated in ‘93) but you brought me right back. What struck me the most was how I could empathize with wanting OUT!! Just wanting to leave, when the writing got tough. Someone recently said to me, “I’m terrified. But I guess that means I’m onto something.” So I pass that along to you. Keep writing!

   Michelle

2. pine manor college | sodini video Says:
   August 13th, 2009 at 10:18 am

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