I am sitting on the train. My PhD defence is tomorrow. I feel like I’m under water, slowly slowly drifting upwards. I can already glimpse the sparkling sun above me, magically sending rainbows my way. The heavy weight of the deep sea has lifted from my chest, and although I’m not yet ready to breathe, I can feel a strange calm, soothing my aching body for those last hours.

A long journey is coming to an end. It started with a jump into cold water, turned into a long and hard dive into unknown seas, and came to its close in almost complete darkness. Strange creatures accompanied me there, first colourful, then bleak and often frightening. From the darkness I followed the light, growing brighter and brighter by the day, the pressures of heavy dark water lifting ever so slowly, until I could see the surface again and realised the journey was almost over.

So I take these last hours to look back into the dark, to say farewell to those dark creatures who have made this journey frightening and intense, bumpy and deep. They have also made it MY journey, and although I certainly won’t miss them – deep down they’ve known this all along, and maybe that’s why they’re the way they are? – I want to face them one last time and carry their imprint in my heart forever as a token of hope.

Every journey, however difficult and dark, comes to an end. Every end is also a beginning, and I cannot wait to see this one unfold, up there, in the warm and sparkling sun.

* I am typing this from the handwritten version on the day of my defence. All is well, I can breathe now.

4 Responses to “Breaking the surface, gasping for air”

1. You want to know what the day of my defence was like? « The Mindwheels Says:
   August 13th, 2009 at 7:50 am

   [...] You want to know what the day of my defence was like? August 13, 2009 Read this. [...]

2. ludid Says:
   August 13th, 2009 at 9:04 am

   congratulations; just like after we jump into cold water the water begins to feel warmer and more comfortable; best wishes on your journey.

3. Best of 2009 – night out « The Mindwheels Says:
   December 6th, 2009 at 2:10 pm

   [...] place at Marburg university (approx. 5 hours south of Hamburg, where I live). I had travelled there like a deep sea diver on her slow, slow way up to the light, to the air. Five years of work had finally come to an end, I [...]

4. Best of 2009 – project « The Mindwheels Says:
   December 22nd, 2009 at 3:41 am

   [...] Wow. I’ve never actually said that out loud. But it feels right, and I will forever remember the weight that fell of my shoulders on the day this Phd-journey was finally over. [...]

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